Why are divorces actually shooting through the roof?
During this pandemic,divorce rates have gone up more than ever before for any time in history.
(This blog is about heterosexual relationships only and many points mentioned here may not apply to any other type of relationship)
Although we need love and connection ..too much connection can actually have the opposite effect.
Human beings generally have two primary needs in an ideal relationship between men and women. And it's the need for connection and the need for separation (Cave-time).
The women's rights movement undeniably benefited us in several ways. All you need to do to understand this, is to go back before the 1960s and look at the typical relationship between men and women in that society at that time. It was shocking to say the least!
However, what happens when there's a lot of injury to anyone ...(that includes a specific group of people; in this case - repressed women) is that they tend to swing the pendulum to the complete opposite extreme, thereby creating just as much damage by doing that - that was created in the opposite extreme. And this is exactly what happened with the women's rights movement - because of the pain that women experienced at the hands of men.The reality is that there was hatred of men embedded in this movement. This created a bizarre energy to the movement that publicly professed to seek equality between the sexes, but that in fact, sought to turn the tables on men. The shadow of the women's rights movement was the eradication of masculinity.
Its ripple effects are still playing out today.
We see statements like,’these women can do everything men can do’. ‘Women are doing it for themselves’. ‘Don't be a woman that needs a man ~ Be the kind of woman that a man needs’. ‘If you want something said ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman’.
These are insanely destructive, and they're also not true. There are things that men can do that women can't do and things that women can do that men can't do. (Just like some species can swim and others can't)
This doesn't mean we're better or worse than each other..It means our areas of excellence are different.
Men need connection and a social group just like women do. They thrive when they fit into a social group in a symbiotic way. They need to feel useful, needed and therefore wanted.
Women mistake a man having a real place and purpose in their lives as a slippery slope and see it as powerless dependence.
Women mistake a man opening doors for them as an insult about their capability.
Women mistake male leadership for control. And because of this, instead of making space for a man in their lives, women continually remind them that they are not needed.
This is why women don't allow men to step up and take leadership or step up and take a place and a purpose in their lives.
Yet when a man doesn't do this, suddenly we're totally un-attracted to him.
What we're doing with these messages is putting men in a position to become passive.
Women are doing more traditional roles of men..they are providing; making money etc.
What this does is - it stimulates the male hormone testosterone.There’s nothing wrong with that except that for a woman to feel romantic (or feel feelings of intimacy) and experience general well being - her oestrogen levels have to be high enough.
When testosterone goes up, for a woman .. it brings oestrogen down.
Anything that increases her sense of safety and belonging naturally increases her Oestrogen levels and reduces her Cortisol - stress related hormone (Eg: attending therapy, spas, all forms of non-sexual contact, not being in fight/flight response all the time, talking to trusted friends etc) Women need to feel heard & when they feel safe to express what they feel - that act of revealing herself/themselves in a safe environment will produce oestrogen.
For a man to feel romantic or intimate, his testosterone levels must raise ..and testosterone goes up if a man is actively solving a problem, the male brain has to solve a problem & it must be comfortable in its ability to solve that problem.
If this doesn’t make sense yet.. read on.
Men in the modern world today are becoming extremely passive if you’ve noticed.And this is not something that women can be sexually attracted to.
So here we are shooting ourselves in the foot. We're creating the very thing that we now have no purpose for in our lives.
When we do this to a man, what happens is that in the state of passivity he becomes more like another child for us to have to take care of.
All men are different, even though you will see some core traits that are inherent in masculinity itself and therefore you will see it shining through every man.
Just like every woman is unique in her own way, every man is too.
For the purpose of understanding,I am assigning men based on different types of professions (or vehicles!)…bear with me.
A woman who likes what an artist can bring to her life will not be happy sharing her life with an ambitious goal oriented businessman with zero creativity.Incompatibility sets in and for some men, demanding that they would be needed and valued by you ONLY if they could be a certain way..is no different than telling a minivan that it needs to become a sports car and will only be valued if this happens.
Women get into the mode of constant criticism .. and what women are thinking when they're doing this is that, criticising a man is going to get them to change from a sports car into a minivan for example (or vice versa) or go from being a businessman to suddenly transforming into an artist.. but it's never going to work.
It’s a no-brainer.
So what should a woman do in order to accommodate this reality of men, this thing they didn't previously understand?
Allow a man be in his masculine energy, in fact, encourage it when a man is strongly and squarely in his masculine energy.
This is not a threat to you in any way.
A man has got to find a place in your life, a purpose for being in your life .. a place where he is uniquely needed.
Allow him open doors for you ..get him to open lids on jars that are hard to open. Allow him to step in and protect you ..let him fix that problem you're struggling with.
Let him put his jacket around you when you’re cold … allow him to pay for the movie together.
You do not become less of who you are by letting him be who he is.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong in being a powerful, inspiring independent woman but if you really want to be happy ... respect his masculinity too.
Maintaining a healthy balance is a skill that can be easily mastered.
Even in children, we can see the difference between the two sexes in their behaviours and how they perceive the world around them.
Male children love it when they feel needed and have a purpose; they go and spend some cave-time when stressed or overwhelmed while female children look to interact and connect with their friends when they are stressed.I believe that this is their natural state.
Do I wish for my daughter to grow up to be self sufficient & independent - yes.
Do I wish for her to be surrounded by boys who are apologising for ‘being boys’? - No.
Do I want my son to suppress his masculinity in order to conform? - Never.
This is a broad generalisation and my personal observation.. so please refrain from scrutiny & judgement.
When we show up as being too independent and not needing a man or anyone else for that matter.. generally two kinds of people/men get attracted to us ~ first one .. is men who are really traumatised - relative to mommy. These men see how independent & in control you are.And how you don't need anything from him & they love it. Why? Because they actually want to be taken care of.
Then second, are men who have also experienced trauma in their lives that caused them to love the sensation of the power of taming a wild horse. These men are highly dangerous, because they're going to love the challenge of subduing you.
Do not waste your time on these two types of people; awareness is key.
Remember that the vast majority of men aren't actually trying to control you. They're also not trying to give you the message that you're incapable.
Men usually are and can be incredibly straightforward compared to women.. women have been trained to not be straightforward, and this really backfires in relationships with men.
Women are trained to manipulate through passive aggression and drop hints or cues ..and never assert their needs.
The thing is, (most) men do not understand this behaviour..it's unlikely that he's ever going to be able to read your mind.
If you are looking to having a lasting, loving relationship with your man in your long term partnership .. it helps to be straightforward in your interactions, avoiding constant nagging, criticism and manipulation.
Having said all that,80% of our happiness.. our sense of fulfilment or well being should come from what we're doing separate from our partners.
That means having a whole rich life..a variety of things that stimulate you to feel loved and supported to help you grow ~ things that you're doing for yourself. Then you go to your intimate relationship which is interdependence where you're both giving and receiving.
Just the giving and receiving can't sustain a relationship .. we have to be able to give to ourself, so we have something to bring to the relationship.. and this has been discussed previously in my most recent blog.
In Love & Gratitude Forever,