Intimacy & issues regarding sex comes up so often when I see clients - even if it is not their primary problem, there seems to be a growing percentage of people who suffer from premature ejaculation, male & female anorgasmia, lack of sexual desire, arousal disorder and so on.
You know, we are all innately sexual beings at our core, and this energy needs to flow - it needs to be expressed. In many people shame and guilt around this topic stops them from not fully expressing their sexuality & not fully being able to exist within a flow of intimacy.
Approximately between the ages of 8-14 years, our sexuality gets activated. I'd like you to take a moment and, you know, think back when you were between these ages 8 and 14.Among other things, there is a lot of focus on sexual development between these ages. This is when our sexuality really starts to blossom. We are still kids at this stage but we start to understand that attractiveness is natural. It is a critical juncture in our sexuality.
There is new found energy in specific areas of our bodies - it is new, it is pleasurable and feels good. It is at this stage that boys first start to have erections & so on. At this age there is innocence & curiosity but society does a great job at painting a convoluted picture that sexuality is sick, perverted or against religious beliefs.
This instils in us a fear of our own sexuality and that something is wrong with us if we engage in masturbation for example.. condemning them for something they are instinctually & innately drawn to. And the difficult thing about this is that if we don't unwind these. Then as adults who end up potentially having children … without us knowing it, we can be instilling these same resistances to our kids as they begin to develop and move through these ages. During this stage, when a boy gets caught with an erection or a girl feels embarrassed especially if there’s early breast development - this shame or embarrassment trickles down to their core psyche.
So, again, take a moment and reflect back on these things that I've mentioned. It has assuredly happened to almost everybody this a normal part of existing and a normal part of development. The abnormal bit I would postulate is the latching on to the embarrassment or latching on to the belief that these things are somehow dirty. Introspect your own development for a hot minute - think about your own sexuality, your own flow and creativity at this age and think about the social structures that trivialised your own needs or beliefs.
Now look at them from the eyes of a child. The child that believes that something they're doing is wrong in the eyes of God, in the eyes of their friends, their family, their school, their community. Once we can feel that experience, as if we were in the shoes of that child experiencing that moment once again, then we can begin to have an internal conversation, understanding that these things are not wrong. Understanding that sexuality is a normal part of existence, and indeed in many ways it is the crux of our very existence. As an example to show how our sexuality as an adult is shaped due to our childhood beliefs, let me explain one situation. So when you were a little boy let's say, 9 or 10 years old, for instance, and you get caught kissing a girl or worse - masturbating and they ridicule you constantly for that, for weeks on end or it spreads around school or it gets around the community. Then as an adult, you may still want to express that sexuality, but you've now convinced yourself that it needs to be as quick as possible, you've convinced yourself that the longer that you engage in any type of intercourse or pleasurable activity, the greater your chance of getting caught, and therefore reflexively, the greater the embarrassment of this interaction, now as an adult, we might not see it like that ...but it may manifest as premature ejaculation. When it comes to sexuality if these issues aren't addressed and if they're not worked upon, then the problem persists and the problem becomes further entrenched into normality. And then eventually you end up, maybe five or 10 years deep into your relationship with zero intimacy.
It doesn't have to be that way. On a closing note, intimacy isn’t only fundamentally important for your own health and for your own flow of energy, but it's also one of the roots of a healthy relationship with your partner. A lack of sexuality breeds resentment and anger, distrust, all of the negative things in a relationship, whereas a healthy flowing sexuality and intimacy breeds love, tenderness, closeness, openness.
You can see when people are happy & when people are flowing (figuratively speaking) and are dancing with each other, because it overflows into all other aspects of their lives. With love & gratitude, Savi